Romantic.

It has been a year. A year of love, laughter, and loss. Thanksgiving was hard this year. How can you find a way to be thankful when you’re completely surrounded in loss? Everywhere I turn it’s like I can’t escape it. There were so many times I wanted to give up and say that what I am trying to do is impossible. I had doubts in every move I made and I thought that there was always something I was doing wrong. I always sought out the negative because that’s all I wanted to see.

What I failed to see until now is that life is only as possible as you make it. Yes these holidays are hard, yes I might have burnt a few cookies, and yes I  probably spent way more than I should have, but there is a lot of good left.

Chandler and I were meeting in Bakersfield. We made a dinner date at a fancy steak place that we were really excited about. We were driving to grab some ice cream and that’s when our weekend  got interesting. As if we didn’t have enough going on, we found a super pregnant, super broken Pitbull limping across the street. Being the crazy animal person I am, I demanded my sweet boyfriend (thanks for being so kind to me Chandler) to turn around and save that pup. He said “Savannah, there are a million people and I bet a lot of people have already tried to help her in the time it will take to turn around.” *turns around and finds her* haha. We gave her a bath, took her to the vet, and I used my superpowers to convince our hotel to let us keep her there for the night. The vet told us that she was going to pop any moment and she was to give birth to at least 8 babies. None of the no-kill shelters in Bakersfield would take her. So I drove 4 hours with her by my side swearing that I would do everything to protect her and her pups. We named her Lilly and she gave birth to 9 healthy babies-miracle babies-on 11/19/2015.

Somehow I feel connected with Lilly. I feel as if it’s my job to protect her. I have to do everything in my power to save her because I guess in a sense, I feel that we are alike. I feel that somewhere in life, she got the short end of the stick. It wasn’t her fault, she did the best she could, and she just needs a little love. Lilly is showing me everyday that throughout the challenges, it is a good thing to relax every once in a while and remember what it is to feel full and okay if only for a brief moment.

I got into a fight with my best friend. Out of all of the anger and frustrations, a comment was made that really stuck with me. We were arguing because of Lilly. Because life is changing and it is getting hard. It was said that we think differently. She is a realist and I am a romantic. It got me thinking and rethinking and analyzing what she meant by that. I am realizing that I have always been that way. I have always thought that if I said I was going to be okay I would be okay. Or if I had an idea, it would always work out perfectly because what’s stopping me from doing anything? I have always thought that if I put my mind to it, I can do literally anything. I started painting. I painted and painted until I got what I wanted-something that I could imagine being lost in. First I got lost in a palm tree in the sunset. Then I got lost in leaves and tangled in trees and bushes. It was the best feeling, to be lost. That’s when I knew I don’t want to be a realist. I don’t care that people may not agree with me. That’s how you grow. You must be offended to learn and you must learn to grow.

The argument simmered as we ran out of things to get angry about. In no solution, I came to the resolution that it doesn’t matter. Because she is a realist and I am a romantic. Things will never be the way you want them to be because your views are different. You learn to love the people that offend you because, offense helps you grow. My feelings are still hurt but in the end, some things are not worth ruining because you got your feelings hurt.

My grandfather is flying in from Tennessee and I am not sure if I am ready. I have been on the edge of my seat waiting since I booked his flight. We have been talking about it every few days and every few days he makes the same comment, “Am I going to have to meet your boyfriend?”. Yes papa, you are. And you will love him, almost as much as I do.

He made a list of things he wants to do and I love hearing it because he sounds so happy and full of life. It makes my heart feel healed and it keeps a smile on my face. This is what keeps me going.

As I am typing my feelings, I am coming back to my original thought. How can you find a way to be thankful when you’re surrounded in loss? To put it simply, I am thankful for the little things. I am thankful for my best friend, my boyfriend, and my sister. I am thankful for Lilly and I am thankful for life.

Biologistics

It’s been a while. It’s been awhile since I could sit back and catch my breath for a second. As if life wasn’t already difficult, I found out how it could get from worse to lower than rock bottom.

Before my dad passed away, we were in the middle of selling our house. It was technically my grandma’s house. She took out a reverse mortgage of about $525,000. Since she passed, my dad inherited half of her IRA’s and a few bonds that were split between him and my crazy aunt. My dad took his half and put it in my account just in case anything were to happen to him. He wanted to make sure we were taken care of but most importantly he put that money in my account to take care of Lila.

Before selling our house that I’ve known for the past 5 years, it had to be renovated and the reverse mortgage had to be paid back. My dad came to me with an idea of old family friends doing the work for us and also helping us find our own house on the side. They wanted an INSANE 25% profit of the house and I tried to tell him it sounded like a bad idea but I think he was too ill to see the deceitfulness of the people around him taking advantage of his every move. The Realtors and my aunt promised to my dad’s face that no matter what- we’d be taken care of.

Unfortunately, he didn’t get to see that promise through. Before he passed, we agreed to put $20,000 in an Escrow account which the realtor assured me would look quite well when we found the house we wanted. He said it would look great as a cash offer and down payment until the house sold and we could pay it off. So I put the money into Escrow through a wire transfer. A few days later, he was gone. My dad had passed away without warning. It all happened so fast that I’m not even sure I can comprehend it now.

I decided I didn’t want to buy that house anymore. The only one in my price range was in Turlock. The middle of nowhere and that meant I had to leave everything I knew behind, including my best friend, my boyfriend, and my family so I thought. I explained that I didn’t want it anymore and that I had wanted my money back so I could just rent something where Lila wanted to go too. I received $10,000 back and the other 10, well, Bill the Realtor told me the guy who is in charge of the escrow account is on vacation and that as soon as he comes back he will wire it back. Then somehow, Patti had this screwed perception that she was somehow going to get it.

When I went to get a receipt of the transaction from the credit union, the branch manager explained to me that it was fraud and they lied. It was transferred into a personal account and they owed me the other $10,000 now regardless of what petty excuse it is today. He called Bill himself and got his addresses and assured him that that is my money even though my aunt is trustee of the house and if it did not go back into my account where it came from, we would be filing a police report for fraud and taking him down.

So I get a text the other day. Patti decided that since she is the only trustee now, that she would be taking over everything, including the remainder of what I had owed to me. She explained that if I had a problem with it to call her. I did and I unleashed the most evil person I wish I could have made up myself. She called me selfish and said that I killed my dad and that if I wasn’t around that he would still be alive. I hung up on her with a promise of legal action.

Who could ever say something like that to someone who you claim to love? Not only is it mean, it’s a lie. The funny thing is that she lives in Washington – a few hours away Washington and in all of the maybe 4 times I’ve seen her, it’s always been for a hand-out from my grandmother. Not once was she around to take care of any of her family, nor was she there holding my dad’s hand the day he died. The thing that doesn’t make sense to me, is why I had to quit my job, quit school, and quit having a life so that I could be home to take care of anything and everything. I would gladly do it again but to come back with that amount of disrespect?

Oh, and she had all of our mail forwarded to her house in Washington so I had nothing. She took every document she said she would make copies of and just like that she was gone.

Like everything else regarding my dad, I took care of all of his bills and any other payments including his car that I could get ahold of. The next day I get a picture of a bill from his car and the text saying “Are you going to pay this or have it Repo’ed?” One simple reply and it turned into the most disgusting argument I’ve ever been a part of. I asked her to send me my father’s mail as we share some bills and quite frankly, for a lady my dad never liked or trusted and who was never around, why should be entitled to it? It contains family matters and honestly, she’s not a part of it anymore.

This fight just kept going until I got a certain text that said

“You are NOT a Souza, my dear. Ask your mother or your brother. Ronnie is not your biological father.”

Immediately, I call my mom and asked for the truth. It’s true. Everyone in my family knew except for me. And I had to find out through a text. This means war.

I have so many questions but somehow it all makes sense. My birth certificate says ‘withheld’ in my dad’s name and all the times I asked about family health history, he assured me there’s no way I could get any diseases. But, here’s what I do know. My dad loved me so much that he never wanted me to think I wasn’t his. He worked so hard his whole life and fought so hard for me. He chose to be my dad and it’s not that I was accidentally placed in his possession. He wanted me and I wanted him. I think that’s what really made us such a good team. He was always my number 1 supporter and he challenged me everyday to be the best I could be and those are the greatest, proudest moments I will ever have and I am more than blessed. Blessed for the memories and blessed even more to have his greatest asset- Lila. I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder to be a Souza, and it’s a win-win really. I get to carry on my dad’s legacy without the blood associated with it.

Out of all the sadness, betrayal, and hurt, I am still seeing the bright side. I am learning so much and realizing that no matter what life throws at you, if you have an open heart and a willing mind, you will never stop growing and no matter what someone says, no matter how mean, at the end of the day it’s just empty words from empty people.

Piece of pie

It’s been a challenging week. My heart hurts and I feel my spirit is down. With the shootings in Chattanooga, Chandler back to 29 Palms, Sam on vacation, and my lack of job application responses, I’m left with my thoughts. I think about everything under the sun whether it be good or bad.

Sometimes I forget what it’s like to be 13. To have a strong attitude, a desire to always be right, and the ability to make everyone forget that I’m not an adult but I’m forced to do adult things. Lila is somewhere in the middle. As I type, I am reminding myself what it was like for me. Although we are in very different situations, it’s hard to remember that she wasn’t ever taught the things I was and that it’s my responsibility to teach her; to teach her that it isn’t okay to eat cereal every night for dinner, to clean up after yourself, and that no really does mean no. Given this responsibility, I have come to grips with the fact that it isn’t her fault- just more work for us both.

I had to pay our cell phone bill the other day. Lila’s phone was cracked the whole screen through (thanks dad for making her as clumsy as you). We did this thing where you can upgrade to the latest model if your old phone was over half way paid off and lucky for us they were. Hers however, had an insurance policy where if she cracked it, she had to pay an extra fee. I paid the fee and we upgraded to iPhone 6’s. The customer service rep didn’t tell us though that since hers was under that plan, she immediately had to give it back. She had over 5,000 photos and videos and apps and voicemails that could no way all be transferred over. They did the best they could but not everything transferred. We got the main things- pictures and voicemails with dad. She threw a fit in the middle of the store and I politely handed the gentleman the phone and we walked out. She was crying and crying and screaming like a baby. I assumed that she was just throwing this fit because she was being a brat and she missed out on all her pictures that she stalked on the internet of Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift. I told her to get over it and she should be grateful she even had a phone.

What I didn’t realize though, was that it wasn’t a big deal to me but it was her world. She’d spent hours tracking down pictures and videos that had meant something to her and I didn’t mean to but I took those away. Luckily, we got home and she looked on her laptop and everything was miraculously saved by her iCloud. Then I began to understand that maybe instead of trying to push her into learning everything I think she needs to know, I should let her teach me some things and we can grow together.

She is starting public school soon and I don’t know where that leaves me but I can say one thing, I am blessed.

My dad on the other hand has been busy working from somewhere in the clouds. Between saving Lila’s pictures and getting me free gas, I can feel that things are starting to look up from here. A really good friend of mine, Conor, lost his dad last week. He had brain cancer and he is probably one of the only people I feel that can understand the pain I’m going through. Patrick was a good man and I will never forget the first time I met him. Conor and I were counselors at this camp and when the camp was over, I think my dad might have been working or doing something and Patrick offered me a ride home. It wasn’t a huge deal because we lived pretty close but it was the nicest gesture. I got home and realized that I left one of my favorite sweatshirts on a bench at the school we came back to and I was heartbroken. Conor’s dad went back and brought it back to me. It was in that moment I fell in love with Conor’s family. It’s a hard thing losing someone. Especially losing someone so close. I could say 1 million things and it still wouldn’t ease this horrible feeling. All I know is that those guys are up there raising hell and having a good time looking after the people they love.

I was listening to old voicemails from my dad. Sometimes it just feels good to hear his voice and be reminded that I am okay. One of the very best ones he left, he said, “Hey Savannah this is your dad. Um things have changed up quite a bit, where we have to go and all that so I need to talk to you like real soon here kid so we can get this stuff figured out because you know I mean things got seriously changed up so um um anyways when you get a chance give me a call okay? Anyways love you dear and um hope you’re okay and all that good stuff and I will see you later. Alright love you bye.”

This particular reminder makes me break down. I think it was from a day we were planning to meet with some family about what was going on with my grandmothers funeral but I can’t help but see the relevance in what I’m going through right now- that we didn’t plan any of this, that things got really changed up and where we have to go is different but that he loves me and he’ll see me later. I am learning that you can never say ‘I love you’ too much or to the wrong people. Everybody needs love and if you’re strong enough to make it through today, you will get through tomorrow.

My older sister Aly (my half sister on my mom’s side) has been hanging out with us more and more because we are only 5 minutes apart now which is amazing! But we got to talking last night. Lila came to say goodnight and I told her I love her and she goes “mmmmmhmmmm”. I made her tell me she loves me and Aly told me that even when she’s upset or angry, even under her breath to where the other person can’t hear her that she loves them. She said when her and Ryan (her boyfriend) fight, they’ll fight and then say that they love each other because you never know what could happen and you’d always want your last words to be good and a reminder of your love for the other person.

Thinking about Chandler, I am seeing in more ways than one my value as a person. He makes me feel like I could own the world but also knows when to tell me to chill out. I don’t think I have ever been so content. I asked him the other day why he likes me and he looked at me like I was crazy. I think he is the insane one but I support it because if he’s crazy, he is my favorite kind of crazy. He made fun of me because I introduced him to someone as Chandler, my boyfriend who is in the Marine Corps…I can’t help it that I like how it sounds too besides the point of me being so proud of him and everything he stands for. We’ve been talking about the future and life and how he wants to be in the Reserves when he gets out. He is one of the most generous, kind, loving, and loyal people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and how lucky am I to be dating him? I heard and saw all kinds of footage and comments about the shootings in Chattanooga. I can’t even begin to imagine how their families and friends are feeling. It is so sad that the media is giving more attention to the shooter than to the Marines who died. They deserve all the respect in the world and their families must be devastated. To them, I just hope and pray for comfort and love to be directed their way.

At the end of re-reading this, I am feeling loved and more at ease with the future. This won’t be a piece of cake, but maybe it will be a piece of pie.

Beds and Boundaries 2.0

Update.

I woke up to find out someone’s car got broken into right outside my door. Who wants the window open now? I would like one order of screw that and you can take that all the way to heck no ville.

Beds and Boundaries

This whole bed compromising thing? Yeah it isn’t my thing. Chandler is staying at my apartment while he is here for the last week and the duration of next week. He is crying about not having the fan on while I am freaking out about the cats escaping from me strangling them with my love through the window. It is a solid 70 degrees and I enjoy my toasty toes and snuggling kittens…you can have the couch. So much love, so little sleep. Until tomorrow-

Life Without Wifi

Lila and I just moved into our apartment last Wednesday. We have been very busy with everything going on and since last weekend was a holiday weekend, I called Comcast to see if they could install our wifi and cable before that weekend. They said no because they were busy but we made an appointment for today. We went an entire week and a day without wifi and here’s what I learned…

One of my cats Ellie really likes to cuddle, the other cat Clara really HATES cuddling and likes to pretend she is an acrobat, Lila only likes Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, One Direction, Doctor Who, Sherlock, and complaining about not having wifi; I actually get chores done and I feel motivated to clean up literally anything that I can reach within my 5’2 body, and that I don’t need wifi to survive but it sure would be helpful to block out the cries of me not taking Lila to see One Direction this weekend. I also learned on a side note that when our internet did get installed today and our Xbox finally updated, that Lila is also very polite. We were playing Grand Theft Auto V and she goes “UHHHH, oh heck no. These guys need some manners classes nu-uh.” ahhh I love her so much.

The Road Less Traveled

Just to recap, Lila is my 13 year old sister. Sam is my other half, my soulmate, the sister I think I might have been separated at birth from, and my best friend. Chandler is my weird boyfriend who completely fascinates me and keeps things interesting everyday (who also just so happens to be in the Marine Corps but is amazing for driving to see me as much as he does).

I moved here 4 years ago from Cleveland, TN. I was dropped off at my grandparents when I was little and I never really had a stable relationship with my mom- what I did have, is complicated. There are a million in between stories that I’m sure I’ll get to at some point like the time I drank wood bleach, the time I fed Lila dog food when she was 3, when I was in foster care, the times I visited my dad in prison, and the insane times like what I’m going through now. For the record, all of the things I speak of are public knowledge and record so if you think it sounds crazy, feel free to look it up. I told Sam when I first met her that when it rains, it pours but she didn’t believe me until now haha.

I never really understood my dad. He was always working hard for everything and when he did have a second to breathe, he spent it talking to me. The story I suppose, goes like this. I was actually born here in the Bay Area but when I was little, my Mom married my Dad (when he was in prison) and they had me. He was on the phone when I was born and when I was old enough to comprehend what was happening, she would take me to see him during his visitation. With the amount of drugs she started doing, she left wood bleach out on the floor of our house boat and I naturally drank it. I had to be air lifted to the hospital and then I got taken away from her and placed into foster care.

That family was crazy. They were seriously awful and I don’t understand to this day what made them fit to be foster parents except the paycheck they received for housing me. They ended up giving me bottle rot and made me drink apple juice in my up every night so I wouldn’t disturb their sleep but I ended up getting silver caps on every single one of my teeth. Their kids were mean and I will never forget the times the kids would get a new toy or a new something or other and when I asked for something, they laughed. One kid around my age literally told me that I don’t belong and that I would never compare to my foster parents real children. I am blessed for that.

After that horrific time, my Mom got me back and out of the system. I went to go live with her again but this time, my dad was clean, sober, and at my Grandma’s house. He and my brother Broey (Waylon) would drive every morning at 4 AM to come and pick me up for school or go dick around with me while my Mom was working. She ended up cheating on him and got pregnant with this guy Slugger. His name was Slugger… and she decided to put the kid up for adoption. Her name is Makenzie and all I remember is we went to Hawaii and my dad was not invited. She kept calling the cops on him for no reason to get his parole violated and he would come and go. They decided that the best place for us would be Tennessee. She straight up packed up everything and moved us without even telling him. They had Lila and then she wanted nothing to do with him except to pick up the financial pieces.

We stayed with my grandparents for a while until she could con someone into giving her a job as a TSA agent. Great, right? We finally found a place and then it was one strange boyfriend after another and my dad was always there in the background. When I say he was involved I mean he called us every single day multiple times a day just to say hi or be my alarm clock and wake me up for school. He would send us care packages, letters, cute stuffed animals and flowers, and he would come and visit us all the time for birthdays and Christmas’s and any time he could afford to do it.

But he was sick. He had a rare blood disorder that made him look a mummy all the time and he could never really leave the shade. He was also in the Marine Corps in his younger days and when he was 17 he got into a really bad car accident on Foothill Road that punctured his liver. He got a bad blood transfusion and then the problems started happening. He had Hepatitis C and later we found out he had a cirrhotic Liver and would need a liver transplant.

We were dropped off at our grandparents and we stayed there for as long as I can remember. Me being the teen that I was, had a big attitude and I did not want to be stranded for my whole life in a little town so I wanted out and I wanted to explore. More than anything though, I wanted my dad. He came out there twice to get custody of us and with a lot of luck from the Irish I guess he got us on the second shot. We flew our happy ass’s to California and life turned upside down.

I started the middle of my freshman year here and all I can say is people are mean. I never really had a problem talking to people until I came here. I was intimidated. Everyone was so beautiful and rich and talented and smart. Then there was me, waddling like a duck with my glasses and braces, forehead all pimpley, with no idea how conservative I was dressing, talking, or acting, and no concept of how a little concealer or contacts worked. It was a challenge. Over time though I think I had it half ass figured out. I switched schools and then became a little more confident but still had no backbone. Then I met Sam.

Sam is the kind of person you’d want to be around no matter what situation you are in. She’s cool and collected. She is so gorgeous it makes you want to punch her in the face but you can’t because she is also an amazing person (which I’m still mad about to this day because who gets to be both??? oh yeah- Sam does). She is confident and doesn’t take anyone’s garbage. She will call you on your B.S. and she’ll tell you when you’re out of line. I had this HORRIBLE job at Clark’s shoe store and she came in and I saw her and immediately I decided that she was what I wanted to be and I wanted her to love me and be my best friend forever. And she is. Even though we went to different schools, Sam made high school easy.

It was in the middle of my Senior Year when I found out my Dad had Liver Cancer. He wasn’t feeling well so we went to see a specialist in San Francisco. They told us not to worry because there are a million different options and treatments. Well, I was also behind on credits to graduate due to moving from a block schedule to a 6 period day one, I was also trying to help out as much as I could with Lila, and I wanted to go to my dream school in Knoxville, Tennessee. That all changed when they said he needed a liver transplant but couldn’t get one because it spread to a portal artery. They tried everything, Chemo Embelization, Radiation, and just straight up medicine. I graduated from Foothill High School and for the next year, my life consisted of waking up early to take him to San Francisco, help get Lila ready for whatever she needed to do and also try to take on school, work, and maintaining a healthy outlook on life. Plus, we were also taking care of BOTH of my grandparents at home too. It was a crazy year.

Fall came around and I started school at a community college here and I took a few classes but also trying to make some money and take care of my dad was just too much. I had to drop my classes and take up work full time. Even that became too much so I started Nannying on the side. Lila complained of tummy aches so she was put into an online academy so she worked from home so she could also spend more time with him. As winter rolled around, the doctors told me that he had 8-17 months left. What? That’s no time at all but I was appreciative of any time at all. We made every second count.

We wanted to go to Tahoe so we loaded up our 2 sweet pitiful girls Mary and Teddy into the car and we went to grab all of our stuff and they got into a fight. Dad thought breaking up the fight was a good idea… He was lucky to have his eye left after the 12 stitches he had to get.

We never made it to Tahoe but I think it was a sign that we weren’t suppose to. In the spring, my grandpa started going downhill. He had a stroke many years ago which always kind of left him in a haze. My grandma decided to put him into a home. He was 93 and born on Valentine’s Day so he was always my Valentine. We visited him often as we didn’t know how much longer he would live. We always thought he would be the first to go but my grandma actually fell off of her bed and broke her hip and went to the hospital, contracted Mersa and died within a few short weeks in February 2015. Dad was heartbroken. He did everything he could to at least get my grandpa home so he could be there and look after him. He worked his butt off but he pulled it off, got him home, and he died a few days later. In between that, I got word that my favorite lady in the whole world, my grandma in TN, was in the hospital and they were worried.

I didn’t think much of it as she was strong and never needed much. I flew down there and spent some time with her even though she couldn’t say anything and she died holding my hand. I realized then how precious life is and it saddened me to think that some people are so caught up including myself in what we’re doing that we overlook the things right in front of us that mean so much more than money, or success. You can always strive to succeed but no matter how hard you try, you can never succeed in getting your lost loves back. That one hurt.

Also in February, 2 aunts on my grandma’s side died. My aunt Kay had a heart attack and died on her kitchen floor and my aunt Lynne died in the hospital. Sweet ladies whom my grandmother adored.

I honestly didn’t realize how things could get worse. I saw so much loss and sadness and I felt so broken but I had my dad so I knew it was going to be okay.

On May 23, my sweet boyfriend Chandler took me for my first time ever to Disneyland for my birthday. It was one of the best weekends of my life and I feel so blessed to have been. I came home that Monday and something wasn’t right. My dad’s sister and my aunt Patti and uncle Gary were at my house saying I need to check on my dad and that he isn’t doing well. About a week later, I was taking Lila out for ice cream. I was going to check on my dad and ask if he wanted me to bring him some Rainbow Sherbert (his favorite) back. He was sitting on his bed, green, not responding and shaking. I feel guilty because a while ago he told me he hates hospitals and he was tired of going to them but I was desperate. I loaded him up and took him to the hospital. They kept him overnight for observation and because the doctors switched him from Morphine to Oxycontin, we all thought that maybe he was going through withdraws or it was a medicine thing but they stabilized him so if he was going through withdraws at the hospital, it wouldn’t hurt him.

When he could talk, he wasn’t making any sense. He would say things from his past that I didn’t understand. He had moments of clarity though. On my birthday June 4, he remembered and he wished me a Happy Birthday and apologized. He had nothing to be sorry for, except for leaving me. The doctors said they had no idea but the cancer had spread to his brain and if I couldn’t bring him home asap, I might not be able to. I got hospice involved and we got him home on Friday June 5, and he died holding my hand Saturday, June 6.

I think he knew he was home. He couldn’t speak and I would kill just to hear him say one more thing, anything to me. He would reach out and put his arms up for hugs and moan when we’d say something funny. They kept him very comfortable and at ease. Broey and his wife Monica got married that day just so my dad could be there.

That was the hardest day of my life. As selfish as it sounds, I want him and I am mad that he gave up but he fought so hard and I know he is happier where he is at.

He didn’t have a will so that made everything a lot more complicated. It was always understood that Lila was to go to me and the rest of us split everything but we were also in the middle of moving. It was my grandma’s house and she took out a reverse mortgage on it. When she died, the money had to be paid back, the house sold, and whatever was left was to be split between Patti and my dad. His half gets split between Lila, Broey, and myself. Oh, but we can’t touch ours until we are 25. Awesome.

Stepping away from everything for a minute though, my dad said that the only thing he wanted to do before he died was to see the Atlantic Ocean. He never got to make that trip so when he died, I got everything in order for his service, the bills taken care of, and Lila and I loaded up everything we owned and put it in the car or in the storage locker. We put it in the car and grabbed Sam and decided to take that road trip anyway. We went from California to Tennessee to Georgia and Tybee Island and back. It was a trip of a lifetime that we will never forget and now as I am back to reality, I am finding everyday to be different and great in its own way and I am blessed to be able to do life and share about it.

Stay tuned to hear about the adventures that lie ahead like me learning how to be a grown up, putting Lila back into regular public school, and being a parent at 19.

Hello world!

My name is Savannah Souza. I’m 19. In the past 5 months alone, I have lost 2 grandmothers, 1 grandfather, 2 aunts, and my biggest love- my dad. I am now taking care of my 13 year old sister Lila by myself in Pleasant Hill, CA. Life is an adventure and I thought I’d blog about it. It’s a good read for sure. I enjoy diet coke, my 2 cats and long walks to McDonald’s. Here’s to long nights, days lost in laughter, and the ability to fall asleep anywhere.